A bunch of years ago, someone important in my life, a mentor, did me dirty. The details don’t matter. The consequences of her betrayal were minimal, but seeing a side of her that was toxic to our interaction and potentially much more so in the future, I turned my back and walked away.

Life went on, until she sent me a friend request on Facebook. Without thinking, I confirmed it. And answered a direct message from her.

At this point I felt a bone-chilling surge of regret. Through the mindless compulsion to play the FB Like Me-Like You game, I’d said yes when with a little thought I would simply have ignored the request.

My brain began to rationalize. Maybe she’d changed. Maybe it would be interesting to see her again. Maybe things hadn’t been so bad.

That didn’t help. I was still feeling pretty creeped out.

Days later, I told a true pal how I’d dug a hole too deep to climb out of. “Are you crazy?” she asked. “You can just unfriend her. Like I unfriended my ex-husband.”

“She did a lot of good in my life,” I said.

“And she was destructive,” my pal pointed out.

“Well, yes,” I said. I went back over the history, some good deeds followed by an egregious breach of decency. I saw my pal’s point.

I sat with this for 24 hours. And then realized what was going on. The Facebook dynamics with Bad Friend, along with the other interactions with her in the past, had ignited stories from my own long ago past, now hard-wired into my brain. In that hurt people hurt people way, the past stories I was reliving in the present came from my mother.

Mom, I should say, left this earthly life 12 years ago. But she lives on in my head, as mothers usually do, given the nature of human psychology.

And some of what she does in her Gay-run incarnation is not so nice. Using my own voice now, she berates, criticizes, ridicules, derides, undermines, harangues, disrespects and gives no peace.

I’ve been working against this for years, all my adult life, really, with a ton of tools.

And change is happening. Year in and year out, with all kinds of loving, strong mentors, I moved through the stuff, chipping away, chipping away. I became a more relaxed person. I forgave her, developed true compassion for the heartbreaks that left her too impaired to nurture. Miracle of miracles, in recent years, some genuine good memories have begun to emerge.

I was glad, because the little girl inside who so desperately wanted her mother’s love, who has lived ever since with the crushing sense of failure at not having won it, is enlivened and empowered by an unimaginable sense of freedom and power.

There isn’t even regret now, about how things were with her. In fact, the loss of a proper mother has become a gift. When your wounds are healed, you learn a thing or two that you can use to help others. You can be the peace you want to see in the world. And I try to do that, humbly, joyously, every day.

But that does not mean I have to keep unpleasant folks in my life.

As best I am able, I don’t permit unsavory characters to live in my head—and as much as possible I don’t allow them in my life. Every day I pray for the courage to change the things that should be changed. Even on Facebook. I unfriended her.

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Want to explore more? Try these: 

Soul Stories Writing Retreats at Project Write Now studios in Red Bank, NJ.  

Get Unstuck. Having trouble getting around to that novel, blog, article, memoir or poetry collection? Join other gridlocked writers to learn how best to launch and sustain your work. In this small, safe gathering you will:

• Explore your best writing time, ideal writing space, how to pace yourself

• Build a specific plan for executing your writing vision

• Expand the inner and outer resources that support your creativity

• Leave feeling energized, inspired and confident about keep your writing alive and thriving

Held at Project Write Now studios, Red Bank, NJ. Saturday, October 1, 2016. 9:30 am to noon. $45. Limited to 10 participants. Newbies and pros welcome. Register here. Questions? Call 908-675-0467.

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Stop the Mind Madness. Ever feel like you’re your own worst enemy? It’s that wild mind of yours! You can transform negative thinking to positive. In this small gathering you will

• Learn how to still your monkey mind, one moment at a time

• Build a stockpile of simple sayings to keep your mind calm any time, any place

• Design ideal self-care practices to keep you present to your life

• Leave feeling calm, refreshed and energized, with simple tools for sustaining your serenity

Held at Project Write Now studios, Red Bank, NJ. Saturday, November 5, 2016. 9:30 am to noon. $45. Limited to 10 participants. Newbies and pros welcome. Registration link to come. Questions? Call 908-675-0467.

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Family Love, Family Drama We love them—and they drive us nuts. At the beginning of the hectic holiday season, you deserve the time and space to build your inner resources and plan for your sanest December. In this small gathering you will

Explore reasonable ways to balance your needs with the demands of the season

Develop in-the-moment strategies for sweeter family gatherings

Delve into the unique meaning of the season for you

Leave feeling relaxed and prepared for a lovely, peaceful holiday season

Held at Project Write Now studios, Red Bank, NJ. Saturday, December 3, 2016. 9:30 am to noon. $45. Limited to 10 participants. Newbies and pros welcome. Registration link to come. Questions? Call 908-675-0467.