A few weeks ago someone I have to interact with on a regular basis in a group setting was incredibly rude to me. (If you’re worried I’m talking about you, don’t be. If you’re that concerned, you wouldn’t do such a thing. Or you would already have apologized. Trust me.) The person was so rude, in fact, that (now I’m going to go ungrammatical and use “they” to disguise the person’s gender) they were verbally abusive. In an aggressive tone, they questioned my integrity.

I was so stunned, I didn’t know what to say. I had merely been trying to explain something and evidently hit a nerve. I did apologize for causing any confusion to the rest of the group, then dropped the subject about which the person and I were disagreeing (my POV) or I was dishonest about (their POV) so the rest of the interaction could continue.

Here’s the thing. Even if my honesty needs to be questioned, the way to do it isn’t to accost me in aggressively like that. Better still is to speak to the facts, not about the character of the person speaking!

Long ago I learned that the first response when my own bile rises is to ask for more information, because it’s very likely there has been a miscommunication or other misunderstanding. Now, this person did ask a question, and because there were other people present and I didn’t want to get into a thing in front of them, I didn’t answer clearly. That was my part in the exchange. I should have said, “I can answer your question, but now’s not the time.”

But still, you can’t talk to me that way.

What to do? I’ve been praying for guidance. I can’t help but think that if they talk to me this way, they must do likewise with others. I am harboring a resentment toward this person, who accused me of dishonesty. For my mental health, I can’t do that. Bear grudges, I mean. So what is my responsibility here? Forgiveness is great, but so is sticking up for yourself, as long as you do it respectfully.

Rosalind Wiseman, a friend and colleague who’s a nationally-known anti-bullying expert, has been in the forefront of bystander education, meaning when bullies do their thing, the ones on the sidelines have a responsibility to step in. Similarly, it seems to me, if you’ve been bullied by someone who is in a position to do the same to others, aren’t you obligated to speak up if you’re able?

I think so. I can’t change the other person, but I can clear the air from my end, and I can step up to speak the truth as I see it, speaking to the other person’s behavior—as Rosalind would tell me, to tell him what bothered me, and what I need to change in our relationship.

I ask for your prayers and support as I ask my higher power’s guidance regarding when and how to speak to the person.