anniversary

November is my 16th anniversary of abstinence from sugar, wheat or flour. There are few earthly obstacles now to my communion with my higher power, and I’m so grateful that the relationship is developing and going deeper, deeper, deeper. Someone wrote recently she’d relapsed–I told her to just reel it in as best she can. Grace too has to be reeled in. Today I woke up in a good mood–a gift!–but knew better than to coast on it. A day of grace is a day to continue to spend time with HP, and to give service. It was also a beautiful fall day. Life is so not what I thought it could be–all comfort all the time. That’s an addict’s dream. But it is way juicier than I could have imagined. And, most importantly, it is what it is. As my energy settles down, I am less anxious, more generous and kind–and the miracles just keep on coming. Love to all!

weight, waiting and the still, small voice

I have two friends who always remind me to look for the miracles. When my thoughts are racy, it can’t be heard. I’m just now reading Marsha Sinetar’s 2000 book “Sometimes Enough is Enough” and early on she talks about aligning our thoughts with God’s thoughts. (Always, dear friends, when I say God I mean, as I understand God and by implication, as you understand a power greater than yourself.) Whoa! Where did that come from? The layers of revelation are infinite re being human. When I was 254 pounds, my first recovery work was about the physical. And that has to be sustained, all the basics of eating right and taking care of my body as priority. But the bigger issue has been to get out of my head into my body. Now that I am doing that–by slowing down, connecting with my senses, breathing–I’ve had this revelation about thoughts. They too must be aligned with the greater good. Escaping into obsession, rumination and racy thoughts is not necessary, desirable, or even, frankly, natural.

Twenty-five years ago I committed to this recovery. I didn’t want to be fat. I didn’t want to have food as my highest power. I wanted my life’s richness to be about relationships, service and experience, not about where the next pastry was coming from, or how I was going to sustain my health with all the conditions related to obesity. The more I dedicate time and effort to staying in conscious contact with my higher power, the more I need to do that. The more I am called to that. And the greater the rewards–of humilty, serenity and Good Orderly Direction.

I’m off to some retreat time in the woods of upstate New York. I’ll probably be spending a lot of time building fires and huddling near the woodstove. And aligning my thoughts with God’s thoughts. Higher Power wants us to be happy, joyous and free. It’s a gift, but one we have to claim by clearing the channel–losing the destructive behaviors–and listening with our bodies and minds. Slowing down, making dedicated time for connecting. It’s not just important to me, it’s central, primary, core, vital, essential, life-sustaining.

The power of taking on “just this”

It has amazed me over the years to see that as I released the hurt from the past, the joys returned as well. Somewhere in there, too, forgiveness. As my vision opens, it’s so incredible to me that nothing is as I thought it would be or should be. Or rather, I’m amazed that I ever thought I knew how the world and the people in it would behave, or how my inner and outer life would unfold.

I’ve always loved reading mountain climber stories, though I’m not an athlete nor an adventurer. I think I know why I never get tired of those stories. Because the work of recovery, and living sober, is an inner mountain climb. We just keep trudging along. Thank God there are guides and ropes and beautiful scenery. There are also bumps and bruises, betrayals and disappointments. But we just keep going.

On 9/12/01, on my way home from NYC on the train, I was reading a beautiful little memoir, First You Shave Your Head, by Gerry Larkin. She is a Buddhist monk and was traveling in Korea with her teacher and another woman, also a monk. Her trip was incredibly rigorous. As my commuter train pulled through the tunnel back to New Jersey, with tears streaming down, I read the passage of the book where she realizes everything always comes down to “just this.” Presence in the moment. Sometimes it’s about grinding out a day. Sometimes it’s about just letting myself be. And the this isn’t whatever’s happening or whoever’s there. “This” is not the drama, nor the comfort nor the confusion nor the joy. It’s just “this.” The moment. I’m discovering that under all the background noise and foreground mayhem, there is a well of deep silence. That, to me, is the “this.”

A young new friend was astonished to learn that even after nearly 16 years of back-to-back abstinence from sugar, flour and wheat, I still have fear. I know where she’s coming from. When we are hurting so bad, we so want to believe that if we just get a few things right, we won’t hurt so bad. And life does get better, much better. But we don’t achieve perfection. Recovery doesn’t guarantee me anything but the opportunity to live real. For today, I can feel God’s love whenever I pause and ask to feel it. That too is the “this.” So as my vision widens, I see and feel more that  is sad and hurtful, I’m also able to feel more serenity and certainty that the only sure thing is “just this.”   Breathing in, breathing out, just this.

holding

Life on life’s terms means just staying present. In the moment. Connecting with your breath, your senses, your body. Breathing. Then, praying (or whatever it is you do to connect to your Inner Wisdom or your Highest Self) and doing the next right thing. And you can start loving yourself right now, just the way you are. Consider the lilies of the field… You may have to do it a hundred, even a thousand times a day–I know I do. But that’s the way it works!

Tender hearts

I just learned from my congressman that today is a National Day of Service and Remembrance. I went to www.911dayofservice.org.  My commitment is to extra reaching out to those who need support…and to those who need to give service. We needed to be needed. We need to take as well as give. Most of us are better at giving than receiving. There has to be both. We nurture ourselves that we may have a good relationship with ourselves; and we are also thus strengthened to serve others. I think it was Rabbi Hillel who said, “If I am not for myself, who am I. If I am for myself only, what am I?”  Love you all madly! Stay safe. Don’t let the excesses hijack you. If they do, just reel it in again. That’s all there is!

ready or not

Somebody once said, “Chance favors the prepared mind.” Whoa! I’m traveling in Maine, beautiful family wedding on the rocky coast. Just be present, that was the mandate. Plus, make sure I have what I need as a foundation. So I called ahead to make sure there would be food I could eat (there was, and a lovely meal it was). But just in case I travel with tuna cups and v-8 juice. I never know how things are going to shake out and it’s a good idea to have a plan B. A few years ago I was on a press trip to Belize; it was soft adventure, and there were some slightly hairy times on slippery rain forest trails and so on. I asked one of the seasoned travel journalists along what marks a good travel. “Ability to go with plan B,” she answered. That says it. But I have to have a plan be. Which means as best I can I don’t attach to particular outcomes and as quietly as possible take care of my own needs. Chance favors the prepared mind. If I want my life to progress and deepen, I have to attend the details, but not get so invested in them that I’m all shook up (and sent back two steps) and stuck. For today, I’m prepared, taking care of business and trying to keep an open mind, and to be aware of plan B, and maybe C, D, etc. xox

love at the center

I made a deep and important decision yesterday during my prayer and meditation time. Nothing, but nothing comes before Love, which is how I’m thinking, feeling and experiencing in my body my God as I understand God. Love comes first. Not work. Not family. Not personal whims and wishes and urges. Nothing at all. Simple. Powerful. Healing. Centering. Consoling. I wanted you to know because this is an us/we life and program and I need witnesses. I just keep coming back to the Love-place in my body, heart and soul, and feel more focused and centered than I have in a long, long time. This new awareness is a powerful, because it is the truth of my existence, not all the daily details that sometimes derail me. I still have to suit up and show up. Those details must be attended. If I only sat alone with this Center Love, what would THAT look like? No, I have to move in the world with it, too. But it’s the center place, the home place.

are we there yet?

God grant me patience…and please hurry. I’m having many opportunity to face my character defects and one is wanting it all, RIGHT NOW! That’s how addicts think. And I’m a food addict, so there you are. Then there are the times when I think I’ve got it. Dangerous! Here’s the dirty little secret: There is no IT!!!! There’s no stopping and there’s nothing solid to stand on. Nothing is certain, and looking for people, places, things and experiences to hold onto is an exercise in life-draining futility. There’s just the now and the flow. At least that’s the way I’m seeing it. Breathing in, breathing out. Greeting all sentient beings, including myself, with unconditional friendliness. Just this. Just this. Just this.

suffering

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I’ve been doing some reflecting and reading on the nature of suffering. There are so many nuances to the way I can choose to think, and how the affects my experience of what’s going on that moment. There are those who’d say that our lives are all a mind-invention, and I sort of get that. I mean, if I weren’t conscious and aware, would I have a life as I now know it? I think not! But I also suspect I’m starting to go in circles at the moment. It’s just that….all things are lessons God would have me learn. There are very few absolute rights or wrongs in the course of daily life. I don’t always know what’s coming at me or why, or what it means. I do know that if I greet it all with unconditional friendliness, neither wallowing nor avoiding, it will be what it’s supposed to be. And on a good day when I can do this more often than not, no matter what happens, there is contentment. Exhaustion sometimes, too. This is hard work! But if I don’t fight it, it doesn’t bite me, at least not as hard. Does any of this make any sense? Does to me. Have a lovely day my lovely ones!

order of the universe

Someone once said the order of the universe is God, self, others, things. While I was away in the country I had tons of time to pray, meditate, read, write in my journal and rest. Lots of revelations! Including how I need to remind myself to put my higher power first in my life. I can’t have a relationship if I don’t honor and spend time. So I’m going to set my alarm ten minutes earlier and get more ready the night before, so I can go to my meditation corner and just sit and breathe and listen.