She loved us with every cell of her being, and wasn't ever afraid to show it.

Broken hearts do heal. But first they teach.

My family’s beloved English Spring Spaniel Shadow died this morning, and I am so, so sad.

And also aware of joy, for the joy she brought my entire family—five Shadow-smitten people who consistently reveled in her doggy-ness. She was our entertainment, our therapist, our walking-buddy, our fuzzy little companion.

Her most recent gift to me is the reminder that compassion is born not just of choice, but of staying present to the broken heart. I choose neither to wallow with obsessive thinking and what-ifs nor run away by indulging vices or shutting down emotionally.

“Just this,” one of my favorite Buddhist authors, Geri Larkin, would say. “Just this.” My 12-step buddies would say, “Right foot. Left foot. Breathe.” 

I never want to be one of those people who can blow off the sorrow and sufferings of others. So, for today, I receive the gift of grief, let it open my heart, and revel in the miracles my higher power has given me—most especially my soft-as-velvet pal with the floppy ears and the big brown spaniel eyes.

See what I mean? I spent 10 minutes taking this, including time for make-up. And there's no one here but me and the dog. And the computer, of course! Oh, but I did have fun!

Is anyone else feeling totally bombarded? I mean, I hate to add to the glut of chatter about the information glut. But I’m afraid I have to.

It all started with this wonderful new computer. Oh, the places you can go! Oy vey. I can do all kinds of things at once…and rather than balking and complaining like its predecessor, it just about hugs me back!

But, Oh, the places you can go! About the second hour after it was set up, my future flashed in front of me. OMG. MORE to say no to. My old computer didn’t run video. In the past, when someone sent some darn thing that might be fun to watch but would suck another five minutes of my life out through my eyeballs, all I had to do was borrow my son’s laptop, or shrug off the must-see material and do without. Most of the time, I did without.

And that was a good thing. There’s plenty of way cool stuff out there, for sure. BUT I CAN’T TAKE IT ALL IN!

No one can.

And, there’s some scary stuff to avoid. Seriously. I mean, there’s someone tweeting stupid stuff people do. I spent five minutes on there before I realized I was about to click on some videos that might take me where I never, ever want to go.

Which brings me to the no’s. Check e-mails every five minutes? No. Goof around on Facebook? No!  Noodle through YouTube looking for Phil Phillips’ latest? No, no, no! There is work to be done.

I was on the computer in the middle of hunting for a job this morning, when all of a sudden, my evil twin said, “You’ve been working hard for two whole hours. Why don’t you see what TV shows you could watch on this new babe?” I was actually five minutes into an old Daily Show when I heard, “No!” Whew. Narrow escape.

Ladies and gents, children of all ages, we have reached the age of the 10,000 no’s a day. It’s about survival. It’s about keeping our brains from frying.

I read about a couple, a high-tech, plugged-in duo, who turn off EVERY BIT OF TECH from Friday night to Sunday. Whoo whee! Now that’s saying no. And the result, they said, is they get to actually, like, talk to each other, making eye contact and stuff. Nice, right?

My friend Marlyn, she gets so hijacked by all that brain-suck stuff, she doesn’t use the very nice laptop her husband bought her AT ALL. Ever. I am serious. That is one big honking NO.

She seems fine. And she’s at a stage of life where she can get away with it. (Plus, she has friends like me who fill her in about, say, the latest debacle in the elegant world of high finance.) At this point, I’m not prepared to unplug totally. I have to use my computer for work and for keeping track of friends and family.

And, truthfully, I can use a good hug now and then.

Could you say no to a face like that? Of course not!

Are you praying to God or to Santa Claus? This question was posed recently by a friend. My answer—Santa Claus. I want what I want when I want it. I want a nice, lucrative, fulfilling, helpful job delivered NOW. Is that too much to ask? I mean, seriously. What’s the problem?

I live as healthfully as I know how—eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, spend time with family, friends, and myself. I pray. I meditate, as best I can. I am kind to people and animals. I let other drivers in, and say thanks when they let me in. I hardly ever gossip, and when I do, it’s with the best intentions. I recycle. I look old people in the eye and talk to them like they’re real. I rescued a shelter dog. I send get-well cards, assay the right things at memorial services and keep my lawn mowed. On a daily basis, I try to be grateful for all that’s real in my life. In short, I shouldn’t be on the naughty list. So.

Aren’t I OWED? Am I not good enough? What I am doing wrong?

Nothing, friends tell me. Nothing at all. You are right where you’re supposed to be.

Ewwww. I hate that. Don’t you hate that?

However, as the saying goes from Recovery Incorporated (RI) (a self-help group that relies what feels like a kind of cognitive therapy): You can’t be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. Unemployment is miserable. I wake up in the morning and I have no place to go, no routine, no specific purpose. Not to mention, um, no income. NO ONE IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD ENJOY THIS!!!! DUH.

OKAY. I’ve been in a perpetual tantrum. I thought I was mad at God. Turns out I was mad at Santa Claus. Shadow boxing, anyone? I’m mad at someone who does not exist.

It might be helpful, instead, to take actions, however small, toward resolution of this ugly stuckness. Plan my days, one day at a time. Plan for sure and determined action (RI again). Remind myself that any decision is better than no decision.

And it would probably be a good idea to stop being mad at myself. I didn’t cause or create this situation. Neither did Santa Claus. As for God, well, that’s the question, isn’t it? When my Mom broke the news to me about the Christmas Santa (as opposed to the unemployment Santa), she did a really good thing. She said, “Santa Claus isn’t a real person. But he’s the spirit in us that wants to give to people.”

Now that’s a Santa, I mean, God, I can get behind. Or, rather, that I can agree to have backing me up. Okay, God. I’m listening. And listening. And listening… It’s just that, could you speak up just a little louder? I’m just saying….

A few weeks ago someone I have to interact with on a regular basis in a group setting was incredibly rude to me. (If you’re worried I’m talking about you, don’t be. If you’re that concerned, you wouldn’t do such a thing. Or you would already have apologized. Trust me.) The person was so rude, in fact, that (now I’m going to go ungrammatical and use “they” to disguise the person’s gender) they were verbally abusive. In an aggressive tone, they questioned my integrity.

I was so stunned, I didn’t know what to say. I had merely been trying to explain something and evidently hit a nerve. I did apologize for causing any confusion to the rest of the group, then dropped the subject about which the person and I were disagreeing (my POV) or I was dishonest about (their POV) so the rest of the interaction could continue.

Here’s the thing. Even if my honesty needs to be questioned, the way to do it isn’t to accost me in aggressively like that. Better still is to speak to the facts, not about the character of the person speaking!

Long ago I learned that the first response when my own bile rises is to ask for more information, because it’s very likely there has been a miscommunication or other misunderstanding. Now, this person did ask a question, and because there were other people present and I didn’t want to get into a thing in front of them, I didn’t answer clearly. That was my part in the exchange. I should have said, “I can answer your question, but now’s not the time.”

But still, you can’t talk to me that way.

What to do? I’ve been praying for guidance. I can’t help but think that if they talk to me this way, they must do likewise with others. I am harboring a resentment toward this person, who accused me of dishonesty. For my mental health, I can’t do that. Bear grudges, I mean. So what is my responsibility here? Forgiveness is great, but so is sticking up for yourself, as long as you do it respectfully.

Rosalind Wiseman, a friend and colleague who’s a nationally-known anti-bullying expert, has been in the forefront of bystander education, meaning when bullies do their thing, the ones on the sidelines have a responsibility to step in. Similarly, it seems to me, if you’ve been bullied by someone who is in a position to do the same to others, aren’t you obligated to speak up if you’re able?

I think so. I can’t change the other person, but I can clear the air from my end, and I can step up to speak the truth as I see it, speaking to the other person’s behavior—as Rosalind would tell me, to tell him what bothered me, and what I need to change in our relationship.

I ask for your prayers and support as I ask my higher power’s guidance regarding when and how to speak to the person.

My heart leaps up!

When money is tight, like it is now because I was laid off from my job last June, I sometimes get to whining. And sometimes the refrain is, “I waaaant to beeee a princessss!!!” As in, living happily ever after with no problems, discomforts, obstacles, demands, responsibilities or struggles. Ever.

Mind you, my adult responsible cerebral cortex totally gets it that a) this sort of perfect life is not even remotely possible and b) such a life wouldn’t be rewarding, satisfying, stimulating, growth-inducing, etc.

But my take-care-of-me-now!!!! little inner child, well, she craves rescue and perfect peace. Enter my favorite new meditation guide (whose name and whose book I cannot remember or find; I’ll post in an update; it is so typical of my gremlins to steal this info just when I want it but I decided, full speed ahead! UPDATE: The book is Awake Mind, Open Heart by Cynthia Kneen ). Her prescription: when you sit to meditate, assume the physical posture of a monarch, because you are the queen of your own life! Don’t you love it? And of course you must also assume the mental, emotional and spiritual posture of a king or queen—because you have within you the sun, the moon, the stars. You have all creation, your beautiful, wonderful goodness, all right there. (UPDATE: Kneen says, “Your approach is that you are a dignified person. You are sane, regal, and worthwhile as you are, and it is fully natural for you just to sit and be with an open heart…You are claiming your authority…You are in command of your life. This doesn’t mean you are being fierce or stoic, or trying very hard…You are just…being yourself. You are simply making a statement of strength.”

So when I sit—and when I move through all the tasks of my day, no matter how grand or mundane—I do so as the monarch of my own life.

Crown me, Queen Gay! Long live the queen! Joy, peace and prosperity to all you queens and kings, too!!!!!

I don’t know why it should be so, but it seems that out of great sadness can come revelations of great love. Last night I was honored to attend a memorial service for Trayvon Martin, the black teenager recently shot to death in Florida.The memorial was organized by a wonderful young man, Darnell Lewis, founder of I.M.P.A.C.T, whose mission it is to “equip our youth with the necessary tools to navigate through the middle school, high school and college years.”

It was a one-hour event in a park in Red Bank, New Jersey. We all wore hoodies like Trayvon was wearing when he died. Pastors led over 100 of us in prayer as we held hands. Several of Darnell’s young gentlemen and young ladies read short statements that started, “I am Trayvon Martin.” Then we stood in silence, honoring Trayvon, his family, and all the young black men and women so ill-served by so many of our social systems and institutions.

I was there as a mama, and the mama of sons. I was there as a citizen who cannot and will not rest easy until everyone has the same beautiful safety and abundance that I have and is everyone’s birthright.

I was also there as a woman who came of age in the 1960’s, who watched the civil rights movement unfold on television, who deeply regrets there is still so much of that work yet to do, but who refuses to despair.

There’s a wonderful expression, “Don’t let the little you can do stop you from doing the little you can do.” One of my little bits was to attend last night’s service. I went in solidarity with those who are fighting injustice. I came away with so much more than I brought.There was so much love in that little park, the air was vibrating with it. And it was powerful beyond measure.

From where I stand, that’s the way peace works. Peace is not just a condition or a place. It’s an action. “There is no way to peace,” the expression goes. “Peace is the way.” Amen.

Did you know the brain uses 25% of the body’s energy? That’s why when I write all day I get up and feel like I ran a marathon! I had no idea until recently that the brain needs attention the same way the body does. I eat a certain way to maintain my health; I exercise my body for the same reason. My task of late has been to learn how to manage my brain.

The obvious question here is, well, who’s doing the managing? That would be my higher self, the loving parent who’s infinite and eternal, totally forgiving, compassionate and kind. The part of God that’s in me, as me, as Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray Love fame would say. The eternal Now, as Eckardt Tolle of The Power of Now would say. God, Higher Power, the Universe, the Great Spirit, Our Father Who Art in Heaven, Higher Self, I’d say.

So my first task is to connect with that loving, strong, spacious God, through regular prayer and meditation. Lately I’ve come to understand that some physical movement–a walk; yoga; just some stretching, is a good way to start. So much tension, sadness and negativity is held in the muscles and joints. If I only apply mind-effort to those states, I’m probably going to have a harder time getting where I’m going. But if I attend the body kinks, aches and blockages, I’m far better off.

Then, during the day, I need to keep choosing healthy thoughts. We all have in us what the Jungians call the shadow side, a side that talks trash and pushes us to do stuff that’s not in our best interest. But we don’t have to let that side rule us, or even manifest in destructive ways. One way this saboteur comes through is in extreme negativity towards self. But, as Jill Bolte Taylor says in My Stroke of Insight, “the decision that internal verbal abuse is not acceptable behavior is the first step toward finding deep inner peace.”

But we can’t unthink a thought, or tell ourselves what not to think. (Don’t think about trees. See? You’re thinking about trees!) What we can do is think new, loving, wonderful thoughts. That sweet man Eknath Easwaran, who wrote Words to Live By, suggests finding and using a mantra whenever troubled thoughts strike (as well as for meditation focus). I’m struggling to try to remember that, but progress not perfection, right? I find it helpful to memorize and recite prayers and Bible verses to myself, first as part of morning worship time, but then, throughout the day, as a way to keep my wild negative mind on a peaceful, kind, loving, useful track. The more I use them during the morning time, the more they spontaneously kick in during the day. Consciously doing this is building the mental habit of positive outlook, which in turn opens me to God’s graces. Which is where I need to live, just for today, that I may be of maximum use to do the things my higher power has sent me here to do. Strong body, strong mind, strong spirit. Does it get any better than that? I think not!

Take a nice, honest walk with yourself. You never know who you might meet.

I write (and coach writers) for a living, but I also write for my life. Writing is a wonderful tool for getting to know yourself, clearing your head, and learning what your Best Self wants for you. Here’s how I use writing to help me feel calmer, saner and more present in my life:

Free writes, when I just pour out my heart, with no attention to grammar, punctuation, even sense. Stream of consciousness, some folks call it. On a good day, I just write and write. For years I did three pages a day, as recommended by Julia Cameron, who wrote The Artist’s Way. Handwritten is ideal; it’s earthier and more visceral. You can destroy the writings if you like, or store them away privately, or call a trusted friend and read the juicy, important bits. The main thing, though, is that these are for you. No one is going to grade you. This is not about bad teachers and red pens. This is about your life.

Letters to God, when I let good ole HP know where I stand, what I want, and what I’m grateful for. God knows my heart. But I need God to know that I know. I always tag “…if it be thy will” on to any requests. I don’t want to play God. Maybe God has better in store for me than I can imagine, right?

Postcards and notes to others, when I let my peeps know how much I love and adore them, how grateful I am they’re in my life. I carry stationery and stamps with me when I travel, to use bits of time to send out a little something. When I write something sweet to another person, I feel better about myself and life.

And of course, this wee blog, my little conversation with you, where I share what I’ve learned in hopes someone somewhere will find it helpful.

When my brain seizes up, as it often does, and I can’t think what next, I have a little stockpile of slogans, sayings and affirmations that bring me back to myself in the moment. Whew! Then I’m able to hear my inner wisdom over all the head-chatter, and do my best—which really is all anyone can ask, right? (My 30-day compassion-to-Gay retreat continues!) Ten of my favorite in-the-crunch one-liners:

1.Promise less, produce more.
2.It’s not how you feel it’s how you function.
3.To live in the future or in the past is to deny God.
4.Nothing is more important than my mental health. (Or, its variant, [Insert worry, crisis, etc here] is trivial compared to my mental health.)
5.Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?
6.Only God is perfect. Perfection is not a human quality.
7.God is not a labor-saving device. I have to do my part.
8.Easy does it but do it.
9.What other people think of me is none of my business.
10.I am enough, I have enough, I do enough.

Woke up bluer than blue yesterday. You know. Unemployment. Loss. Winter. Mama didn’t love me right so now I don’t know how to love me right.

Called a friend for support and we talked about the D words. Disappointment. Dismay. Despair. Despondency. Disgust. Etc.

But we didn’t stop there. I am not responsible for much of what has happened to me and in my in my life, but I do need to step up to embrace those things that will help me heal. For that, I am accountable.

I don’t have to approach this with aggression, however. Aggression feels like punishment, and punishment for negativity just creates more negativity. I cannot bully myself into cheering up, moving on, healing hurts.

But I can choose a new, kinder, gentler way of thinking and being. Direction for my life, a new friend suggested, has to come not from GOOD IDEAS but from GOD IDEAS. I always strive to be an instrument of God’s peace and love. I see now I need to do some work to fine tune my instrument.

So here’s the plan: I’m putting myself on a 30-day retreat. I am going to ease up on the financial freak out–worry is not an income-producing activity in any case–and spend as much time as natural and right in prayer and meditation to discern what’s the God idea for me.

Primarily my retreat is an attitude shift, a gentling of how I approach my day. It could mean a couple hours a day in silence. Or a day a week in silence. Or going over to the Quaker meetinghouse to be quiet, by myself, with no interruptions. Certainly it means that in addition to taking time daily for prayer and meditation, which I always do, I will GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO DO SO. Heck, I’ll accept the necessity and embrace the joy of the obligation!

Panic will not bring me another job. Stress does not heal grief. Anger at how past wounds intrude on the present doesn’t heal the hurt or serve present-day needs. All those negative “D” words, they are real, but not as real is the main “D” word: Delight. Delight in the fact that I am lovable, and my higher power has a plan for me. I just don’t know what it is yet.

So for today, I’m going to honor the need to heal, learn and grow at my own pace, and not be bullied by all those D’s. Amen.